Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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