I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
