I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
