peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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