it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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