Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
