Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I need to sanitize my soul.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
