You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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