I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
