totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
