I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
