You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
