Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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