I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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