Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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