Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
