good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
