Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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