My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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