We're facebook friends in real life
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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