I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
