before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
do herpes really smell.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
