we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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