3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
