he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
