Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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