WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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