did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
