I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
