There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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