hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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