Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
