i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
