toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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