I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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