Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
