Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
