I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
