I'm laying in your front yard are you home
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
