chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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