If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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