There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
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I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
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Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I pour the whiskey from now on
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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