just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
