He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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