He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
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I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
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Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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