Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
