She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
