God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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