...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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