If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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