I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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