Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
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i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
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The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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