apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
