We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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