so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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