You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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