I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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