She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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