dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
