I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
