fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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