Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Alive.
So much puke
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
