he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
