Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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