wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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